17. Tackling Travel Trials Together
Recently, we travelled back from the Gambia to home, and had a sleepless overnight (11pm - 5am) flight on a budget airline, followed by a 5 hour layover, after which the flight was delayed a further 6 hours. We got home with 3 hours to eat and pack and get to sleep before midnight, as we had to wake up at 5 to catch a train at 6am, to travel 9 hours up to David's relatives for a very important wedding. Talk about tired travelers! But the amazing thing was, we tackled the traveling trials together. We kept each other positive, kept company, really took the time to catch up, and didn't let it get the best of us. Somehow, we chose to keep a positive outlook and make the best of things. Perhaps because recently things have been challenging and we've seen the outcome of letting ourselves succumb to stress (travel and otherwise). I'm not sure why the initial reaction was to choose positivity, but it really snowballed and reinforced itself and we ended up having a really good time together - in fact, maybe the best-quality time we've had together in months. All because we chose to make the best of things and move forward with what we were dealt. We chose not to let the things we couldn't change dictate what we actually had power over. We teamed up and faced it together rather than stewing alone or lashing out. I'm taking this as a lesson for marriage in general, and as evidence that we can apply it. We can choose to be team-mates, to tackle trials together, and to choose a positive outlook in the face of things beyond our control. Marriage is not something easy and neither is life, and neither are sleepless and delayed and back to back international journeys, but that doesn't get to decide how we react and what the quality of our relationship is day by day. We get to choose that. And although of course we will struggle and fall during a hopefully very long journey, I am very happy that we've shown ourselves one example of choosing to enjoy our marriage despite sleeplessness and change. I love being married to someone who chooses that with me, in this always-changing world and as human as I am.
Thursday, 23 July 2015
Wednesday, 21 January 2015
Year One
16. Stuff I've learned
A. I am not as secure as I thought I was, but I am learning to become secure with David, and in turn this is affecting the ways I am able to relate to others in my life.
B. I don't fight fair. When I argue, I often revert to my insecure, scrappy-fighter self, where I use all my previously-necessary weapons to win the battle, while forgetting that marriage is not a war. David is my team-mate, and we are on the same side. I am still learning to drop my weapons and just say what I need to say. David is quick to forgive and quick to apologize. I am still learning to do the same, but I have an amazing example, and no matter how angry I am, it's always a huge relief to be reconciled.
C. Marriage doesn't have to become a routine. We enjoy making al-presto dates for each other by putting out a candle, writing a quick message, or making themed food; by dressing up to go for coffee at the college cafe; by asking the other one if they'd like to do a planned activity - even a walk. We welcome people into our home, and enjoy being welcomed into others' homes. We go to church together and separately. I am always welcomed home after an absence, no matter how short, and this makes me feel very loved indeed.
D. Praying together is really good. We started saying the Our Father every night before we fall asleep, and I like it. I don't know if there's a tangible difference, but I know it's something good.
E. Making time to be alone together is really important. Early on this year we were socializing or busy 5-6 nights a week, leaving very little time to talk and relax and be on own own. Then we would get stressed out and exhausted because we missed seeing each other, even though it was fun to be doing things with other people, and then we couldn't even properly enjoy the time we did have. Now we make time together a planned thing - like, don't plan anything this Saturday night, let's go to dinner or watch TV at home, or play a board game, just us. And we accept invitations for 1-3 things a week, not 6! Not because we don't like other people or are hermits, but because marriage doesn't make us superhuman and we need both time apart and time together resting to fully serve and enjoy other people.
F. Marriage is a valid reason not to work evenings and weekends. Yes, I said it. I have found that it's necessary and valuable to make time for marriage and other commitments by stopping PhD work at 5pm and taking off weekends. Not everyone will agree with me here, but this is my way of managing stress and having enough energy to address relationships in my life that matter to me more than a degree ever will.
G. This year hasn't been easy. In fact, marriage has made it harder by virtue of being a major transition. But we have made it. David has been my strong supporter - he's encouraged me to go to counseling, to the doctor, to see friends, to take breaks. He has truly been my champion, my helper, my biggest fan, my most consistent buddy. This year has been hard, but we have made it through, and hopefully, I will come out stronger and healthier and able to take my turn being the strong supporter whenever David needs it. Marriage is team work, taking on life in a world where someone having your back makes a big difference. Year 2, here we come.
A. I am not as secure as I thought I was, but I am learning to become secure with David, and in turn this is affecting the ways I am able to relate to others in my life.
B. I don't fight fair. When I argue, I often revert to my insecure, scrappy-fighter self, where I use all my previously-necessary weapons to win the battle, while forgetting that marriage is not a war. David is my team-mate, and we are on the same side. I am still learning to drop my weapons and just say what I need to say. David is quick to forgive and quick to apologize. I am still learning to do the same, but I have an amazing example, and no matter how angry I am, it's always a huge relief to be reconciled.
C. Marriage doesn't have to become a routine. We enjoy making al-presto dates for each other by putting out a candle, writing a quick message, or making themed food; by dressing up to go for coffee at the college cafe; by asking the other one if they'd like to do a planned activity - even a walk. We welcome people into our home, and enjoy being welcomed into others' homes. We go to church together and separately. I am always welcomed home after an absence, no matter how short, and this makes me feel very loved indeed.
D. Praying together is really good. We started saying the Our Father every night before we fall asleep, and I like it. I don't know if there's a tangible difference, but I know it's something good.
E. Making time to be alone together is really important. Early on this year we were socializing or busy 5-6 nights a week, leaving very little time to talk and relax and be on own own. Then we would get stressed out and exhausted because we missed seeing each other, even though it was fun to be doing things with other people, and then we couldn't even properly enjoy the time we did have. Now we make time together a planned thing - like, don't plan anything this Saturday night, let's go to dinner or watch TV at home, or play a board game, just us. And we accept invitations for 1-3 things a week, not 6! Not because we don't like other people or are hermits, but because marriage doesn't make us superhuman and we need both time apart and time together resting to fully serve and enjoy other people.
F. Marriage is a valid reason not to work evenings and weekends. Yes, I said it. I have found that it's necessary and valuable to make time for marriage and other commitments by stopping PhD work at 5pm and taking off weekends. Not everyone will agree with me here, but this is my way of managing stress and having enough energy to address relationships in my life that matter to me more than a degree ever will.
G. This year hasn't been easy. In fact, marriage has made it harder by virtue of being a major transition. But we have made it. David has been my strong supporter - he's encouraged me to go to counseling, to the doctor, to see friends, to take breaks. He has truly been my champion, my helper, my biggest fan, my most consistent buddy. This year has been hard, but we have made it through, and hopefully, I will come out stronger and healthier and able to take my turn being the strong supporter whenever David needs it. Marriage is team work, taking on life in a world where someone having your back makes a big difference. Year 2, here we come.
Anniversary Fun
15. Celebrating love is celebrated
I love my David. I have loved him since very shortly after meeting him 4 years ago. And after he'd asked me out, and especially after we started out as a couple, I wasn't really shy about saying it and celebrating it! Sometimes people would comment "Ew!" or feign nausea when I said something I liked about him, which by the way is ridiculous!, and while I didn't stop doing it, I did wish people would be more positive. Now that we're married, and have been married for a year (a year!!) people seem to respect our relationship above and beyond what I would have expected, even those people who were not on board with us getting married in the first place. People celebrate us as we celebrate our love, and encourage us, and tell us that our relationship has impacted them. I suppose they have had a little bit of time to observe us and notice the … authenticity, perhaps? The good fit?
We celebrated our first anniversary a couple of weeks ago, in typical D&C fashion, and in the same way we celebrated our honeymoon - with a virus and soup and watching movies! We did also manage to get out of the house for a short walk, and catch the last 15 minutes of sunlight to take a photo of ourselves holding a wedding photo. We hope to do this every year and watch ourselves age and change and grow. I love being married because there's always room for a celebration - from turning in an assignment (bring out the wine and chocolate!) to starting another year together. I look forward to each celebration we are lucky enough to have together, big and small.
When we shared the photo online, people were extremely positive and commented encouragement and enjoyment - much more so than when we announced our engagement, or posted images from our wedding day. I wish we had been totally overwhelmed with {YES GO FOR IT} from May 2013 (we did have a small minority of very strong supporters and I am so grateful for those voices of confidence and truth), but it is as I predicted - people are coming around very positively with time, as they see for themselves that this idea of marriage was a good one, regardless of our youthful numbers and others' fears of time and promises. Here's to many more celebrations of years gone by together. :)
I love my David. I have loved him since very shortly after meeting him 4 years ago. And after he'd asked me out, and especially after we started out as a couple, I wasn't really shy about saying it and celebrating it! Sometimes people would comment "Ew!" or feign nausea when I said something I liked about him, which by the way is ridiculous!, and while I didn't stop doing it, I did wish people would be more positive. Now that we're married, and have been married for a year (a year!!) people seem to respect our relationship above and beyond what I would have expected, even those people who were not on board with us getting married in the first place. People celebrate us as we celebrate our love, and encourage us, and tell us that our relationship has impacted them. I suppose they have had a little bit of time to observe us and notice the … authenticity, perhaps? The good fit?
We celebrated our first anniversary a couple of weeks ago, in typical D&C fashion, and in the same way we celebrated our honeymoon - with a virus and soup and watching movies! We did also manage to get out of the house for a short walk, and catch the last 15 minutes of sunlight to take a photo of ourselves holding a wedding photo. We hope to do this every year and watch ourselves age and change and grow. I love being married because there's always room for a celebration - from turning in an assignment (bring out the wine and chocolate!) to starting another year together. I look forward to each celebration we are lucky enough to have together, big and small.
When we shared the photo online, people were extremely positive and commented encouragement and enjoyment - much more so than when we announced our engagement, or posted images from our wedding day. I wish we had been totally overwhelmed with {YES GO FOR IT} from May 2013 (we did have a small minority of very strong supporters and I am so grateful for those voices of confidence and truth), but it is as I predicted - people are coming around very positively with time, as they see for themselves that this idea of marriage was a good one, regardless of our youthful numbers and others' fears of time and promises. Here's to many more celebrations of years gone by together. :)
HIP HOP (and other adventures)
14. I married my hobby-buddy
Yes. Hip hop! This last weekend, we went to a beginner's street (hip hop) dance class together. Together?? As in he went too? Yes. :) I went because he'd found the class and told me about it, and I love hip hop music and I love dance, so I was excited to go, but I didn't realize he was coming with me until that morning. What an amazing husband. I had the time of my life and he found it less bad than he'd thought and much better than other types of dancing we've tried before. So back again we go this week!
We have looked up some other adventures to try out as well, for getting healthy and out there, and for taking advantage of the incredible access we have to new activities while affiliated with a University. Archery, shooting, horseback riding, sailing, basketball, volleyball, and first aid are all on the list, and we shall see what we end up doing. I like being married to David because he's a great buddy - he encourages me to get out of the house when I'm low and gets us to try new things. A hobby-buddy. That's who I married. And a great one at that!
Yes. Hip hop! This last weekend, we went to a beginner's street (hip hop) dance class together. Together?? As in he went too? Yes. :) I went because he'd found the class and told me about it, and I love hip hop music and I love dance, so I was excited to go, but I didn't realize he was coming with me until that morning. What an amazing husband. I had the time of my life and he found it less bad than he'd thought and much better than other types of dancing we've tried before. So back again we go this week!
We have looked up some other adventures to try out as well, for getting healthy and out there, and for taking advantage of the incredible access we have to new activities while affiliated with a University. Archery, shooting, horseback riding, sailing, basketball, volleyball, and first aid are all on the list, and we shall see what we end up doing. I like being married to David because he's a great buddy - he encourages me to get out of the house when I'm low and gets us to try new things. A hobby-buddy. That's who I married. And a great one at that!
Monday, 7 April 2014
Volunteering
13. Volunteering as a couple is AWESOME.
The first time we've joint-volunteered as a married couple was last night. He was in charge of putting on a youth group night at his placement church, and he asked me weeks in advance to put coming along to help in my diary. I wasn't really in the mood to go (really tired!) but I am so glad I went, because although he was on the frontlines (setting up the heavy and technical stuff, keeping control of the teens even during an all-out Nerf war, doing the talk about the film clip, running games at the end) and I was more in a supporting role (making a very smart sign-in sheets, being at the door when they arrived to get them to sign in, ordering more pizza, cooking the pizza, prepping and serving food and drink, cleaning up, talking to parents, etc.) I really enjoyed being on the same team, serving a church and providing something for the teens. I personally don't feel I'm what you'd stereotypically consider a 'youth leader' type (I prefer the little ones!) but I am keen to help again just because it felt so great to operate as a team to serve others. I'm looking forward to more. :)
The first time we've joint-volunteered as a married couple was last night. He was in charge of putting on a youth group night at his placement church, and he asked me weeks in advance to put coming along to help in my diary. I wasn't really in the mood to go (really tired!) but I am so glad I went, because although he was on the frontlines (setting up the heavy and technical stuff, keeping control of the teens even during an all-out Nerf war, doing the talk about the film clip, running games at the end) and I was more in a supporting role (making a very smart sign-in sheets, being at the door when they arrived to get them to sign in, ordering more pizza, cooking the pizza, prepping and serving food and drink, cleaning up, talking to parents, etc.) I really enjoyed being on the same team, serving a church and providing something for the teens. I personally don't feel I'm what you'd stereotypically consider a 'youth leader' type (I prefer the little ones!) but I am keen to help again just because it felt so great to operate as a team to serve others. I'm looking forward to more. :)
Joint Visiting
12. Going to other people's houses as a couple
This week we have also enjoyed being invited to other people's homes, as a couple, to spend time with friends. It's really fun to spend time with my husband and my friends (and his friends) at the same time. It's been especially relaxing and joyful to spend time with a married couple who are our age and who we really enjoy being around, because we are all on the same page and do not have to worry about saying anything that might make each other feel uncomfortable, or that sounds "too couple-y", etc. We don't feel the need to sit next to each other the whole time or do PDAs, whether with other couples or singles or a mix, but I appreciate when we're spending time with friends that my husband is good at balancing communication of affection with focusing on the interactions at hand.
This week we have also enjoyed being invited to other people's homes, as a couple, to spend time with friends. It's really fun to spend time with my husband and my friends (and his friends) at the same time. It's been especially relaxing and joyful to spend time with a married couple who are our age and who we really enjoy being around, because we are all on the same page and do not have to worry about saying anything that might make each other feel uncomfortable, or that sounds "too couple-y", etc. We don't feel the need to sit next to each other the whole time or do PDAs, whether with other couples or singles or a mix, but I appreciate when we're spending time with friends that my husband is good at balancing communication of affection with focusing on the interactions at hand.
Hospitality
11. Having friends over to our house
More than I thought, having a home space together that we can use to invite others into and enjoy friendships is really awesome. This week we have enjoyed inviting five people into our home to spend time together with us. Luckily, we both like to keep the small flat clean, so having people over is not a stressful things in terms of preparation. Instead, we enjoy preparing a simple (in my case) or gourmet (in his case) meal, with our new free-from-family-second-hand white china and small but growing fancy drinks collection, complete with dessert, hot drinks, and chat and game. Even at just three months of marriage, we really delight in having time that's not just us, but where we can spend time together, with others invited in. I really appreciate that when people who are 'more my friends' come over, my husband is always more than willing to take on the cleaning duty so that I can spend absolutely as much time with them as possible (and vice versa, when they are 'more his friends' I'm happy to do the same).
And the two white rocking chairs have been a big hit! When people come in the house, they notice them straight away and almost everyone goes to sit right down in them. I think (and hope!) that they make people feel relaxed and at home.
One friend recently told us that he felt very warm and blessed by our hospitality, and sent a message afterward to my husband to reiterate the fact. This is what I hope for! For our marriage to be a way to love others and make people feel at home and welcomed in. May we learn increasingly ways to do this, and may we be granted the grace to do it.
More than I thought, having a home space together that we can use to invite others into and enjoy friendships is really awesome. This week we have enjoyed inviting five people into our home to spend time together with us. Luckily, we both like to keep the small flat clean, so having people over is not a stressful things in terms of preparation. Instead, we enjoy preparing a simple (in my case) or gourmet (in his case) meal, with our new free-from-family-second-hand white china and small but growing fancy drinks collection, complete with dessert, hot drinks, and chat and game. Even at just three months of marriage, we really delight in having time that's not just us, but where we can spend time together, with others invited in. I really appreciate that when people who are 'more my friends' come over, my husband is always more than willing to take on the cleaning duty so that I can spend absolutely as much time with them as possible (and vice versa, when they are 'more his friends' I'm happy to do the same).
And the two white rocking chairs have been a big hit! When people come in the house, they notice them straight away and almost everyone goes to sit right down in them. I think (and hope!) that they make people feel relaxed and at home.
One friend recently told us that he felt very warm and blessed by our hospitality, and sent a message afterward to my husband to reiterate the fact. This is what I hope for! For our marriage to be a way to love others and make people feel at home and welcomed in. May we learn increasingly ways to do this, and may we be granted the grace to do it.
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