My married life is not my wedding life

5. My (married) life is an opportunity to live joyfully in God's love and grace, and to share it.

I love my married life because every day of it (like every day of my before, not-married, life) is a second chance, a new day that I am an imperfect person loved and cherished and forgiven and freed by a perfect God, a holy Father. I love my married life because it is redeeming my wedding life, as I realized this afternoon.

I was having so much 'wedding regret' and guilt and anger and dissatisfaction (and even a feeling like hopelessness, since I could not go back and change anything), especially over how much money was spent but also how I acted, reacted and related to it all. I googled "wedding guilt", hoping to find something that would erase the feelings, and read many blog posts and online articles; I emailed one of my best friends describing the feelings and asking her what to do. I considered bringing it up to D tonight, but none of those things made me feel any better. I just felt stuck in my thinking-about-the-past and feeling-awful. I was feeling guilty because I didn't even enjoy the run-up to my wedding, because of letting things stress me to the point of taking up (not-)eating behaviors I used to have and getting sick and because of acting out of control and jealousy and insecurity and anger about the money and fanciness and feeling 'left out'. I was feeling guilty that I was 'one of those girls' who spent a disgusting amount of money on a single day; I was one of those girls who was so caught up in herself that she wasn't even herself anymore and couldn't enjoy the celebrating; I was one of those girls who got mad at someone during the reception and let it get to me so much that I couldn't even enjoy the last half of the party.

"I was X Y or Z." The guilt and anger and dissatisfaction comes from staying stuck in this past tense, giving into the temptation to turn away from Christ and into myself. With my emotions and energies and thoughts in the past, not only do I stay regretful because I can't change anything that has happened,  I waste time and energy in the present and lose out on opportunities to rejoice in what is and who I am and who I can be.

Finally, I turned to Christ. Finally, I prayer-journaled and turned to Him instead of to the past, to blogs, or to my friends and husband. I turned to the One who make all things new, and I that is when I found freedom from the regret and guilt and anger and dissatisfaction and hopelessness. In prayer, in communication with my Father, I found freedom and release. I found the beauty in the realization that I am not perfect; I never have been and I never will be.

Nor was I ever called to be.

When my imperfections come out - as they did in a 'big way' with the wedding, or in how I got angry with D yesterday, whenever I get critical of someone or swear or show the enemy's colors as mine - I have two choices. One is to give in to the despair and the lie that tells me I have 'failed' because I have been imperfect. Or, I can give in to humble, peaceful joy, and the Truth that tells me, of course you are imperfect, but I have loved you always, and I forgive you every time. My strength is made perfect in your weakness. Return to me and delight in my love, move forward, re-commit to living well and be unafraid of falling.

So, after wrestling with myself, God came out victorious! I chose to be who I am, instead of worrying about what I have been in the past, specifically with regard to the wedding. I am me, I am imperfect, and I am loved. I make mistakes, even big mistakes, and God still loves me and forgives me, every time. So I didn't shine my light at my wedding... so maybe I was even a stumbling block to someone. I am sorry for that, and I am also forgiven, praise God. Today as every day, I have a chance to be used by God to shine and to encourage others to know Him. Maybe my wedding life wasn't good witness, but, Praise God, my married life is not defined by my wedding life! I pray we can shine our lights, and that regardless of whether the wedding time was offered to His glory, that our married time can be offered as just such a living sacrifice. Step by step, day by day, every mistake and every blessing of the way. Never afraid of falling or choosing to stay in guilt, but always fearlessly confident in the love and forgiveness and power of Christ to define my life, and choosing to remain in His grace every time.

In this light - in His light, His truth - there is freedom to be who I was made to be. Without fear. Without being held back by who I was in past moments. Praise God!

So, I love my married life because it's the rest of my life, as far as the eye can see. It is the life I am given each day, a life to be grateful for; a life to rejoice in, to serve others with, to learn about God and serve Him in. A life which is always, as with every thing, used for the good of those who love God. Praise Him. :)