16. Stuff I've learned
A. I am not as secure as I thought I was, but I am learning to become secure with David, and in turn this is affecting the ways I am able to relate to others in my life.
B. I don't fight fair. When I argue, I often revert to my insecure, scrappy-fighter self, where I use all my previously-necessary weapons to win the battle, while forgetting that marriage is not a war. David is my team-mate, and we are on the same side. I am still learning to drop my weapons and just say what I need to say. David is quick to forgive and quick to apologize. I am still learning to do the same, but I have an amazing example, and no matter how angry I am, it's always a huge relief to be reconciled.
C. Marriage doesn't have to become a routine. We enjoy making al-presto dates for each other by putting out a candle, writing a quick message, or making themed food; by dressing up to go for coffee at the college cafe; by asking the other one if they'd like to do a planned activity - even a walk. We welcome people into our home, and enjoy being welcomed into others' homes. We go to church together and separately. I am always welcomed home after an absence, no matter how short, and this makes me feel very loved indeed.
D. Praying together is really good. We started saying the Our Father every night before we fall asleep, and I like it. I don't know if there's a tangible difference, but I know it's something good.
E. Making time to be alone together is really important. Early on this year we were socializing or busy 5-6 nights a week, leaving very little time to talk and relax and be on own own. Then we would get stressed out and exhausted because we missed seeing each other, even though it was fun to be doing things with other people, and then we couldn't even properly enjoy the time we did have. Now we make time together a planned thing - like, don't plan anything this Saturday night, let's go to dinner or watch TV at home, or play a board game, just us. And we accept invitations for 1-3 things a week, not 6! Not because we don't like other people or are hermits, but because marriage doesn't make us superhuman and we need both time apart and time together resting to fully serve and enjoy other people.
F. Marriage is a valid reason not to work evenings and weekends. Yes, I said it. I have found that it's necessary and valuable to make time for marriage and other commitments by stopping PhD work at 5pm and taking off weekends. Not everyone will agree with me here, but this is my way of managing stress and having enough energy to address relationships in my life that matter to me more than a degree ever will.
G. This year hasn't been easy. In fact, marriage has made it harder by virtue of being a major transition. But we have made it. David has been my strong supporter - he's encouraged me to go to counseling, to the doctor, to see friends, to take breaks. He has truly been my champion, my helper, my biggest fan, my most consistent buddy. This year has been hard, but we have made it through, and hopefully, I will come out stronger and healthier and able to take my turn being the strong supporter whenever David needs it. Marriage is team work, taking on life in a world where someone having your back makes a big difference. Year 2, here we come.
Wednesday 21 January 2015
Anniversary Fun
15. Celebrating love is celebrated
I love my David. I have loved him since very shortly after meeting him 4 years ago. And after he'd asked me out, and especially after we started out as a couple, I wasn't really shy about saying it and celebrating it! Sometimes people would comment "Ew!" or feign nausea when I said something I liked about him, which by the way is ridiculous!, and while I didn't stop doing it, I did wish people would be more positive. Now that we're married, and have been married for a year (a year!!) people seem to respect our relationship above and beyond what I would have expected, even those people who were not on board with us getting married in the first place. People celebrate us as we celebrate our love, and encourage us, and tell us that our relationship has impacted them. I suppose they have had a little bit of time to observe us and notice the … authenticity, perhaps? The good fit?
We celebrated our first anniversary a couple of weeks ago, in typical D&C fashion, and in the same way we celebrated our honeymoon - with a virus and soup and watching movies! We did also manage to get out of the house for a short walk, and catch the last 15 minutes of sunlight to take a photo of ourselves holding a wedding photo. We hope to do this every year and watch ourselves age and change and grow. I love being married because there's always room for a celebration - from turning in an assignment (bring out the wine and chocolate!) to starting another year together. I look forward to each celebration we are lucky enough to have together, big and small.
When we shared the photo online, people were extremely positive and commented encouragement and enjoyment - much more so than when we announced our engagement, or posted images from our wedding day. I wish we had been totally overwhelmed with {YES GO FOR IT} from May 2013 (we did have a small minority of very strong supporters and I am so grateful for those voices of confidence and truth), but it is as I predicted - people are coming around very positively with time, as they see for themselves that this idea of marriage was a good one, regardless of our youthful numbers and others' fears of time and promises. Here's to many more celebrations of years gone by together. :)
I love my David. I have loved him since very shortly after meeting him 4 years ago. And after he'd asked me out, and especially after we started out as a couple, I wasn't really shy about saying it and celebrating it! Sometimes people would comment "Ew!" or feign nausea when I said something I liked about him, which by the way is ridiculous!, and while I didn't stop doing it, I did wish people would be more positive. Now that we're married, and have been married for a year (a year!!) people seem to respect our relationship above and beyond what I would have expected, even those people who were not on board with us getting married in the first place. People celebrate us as we celebrate our love, and encourage us, and tell us that our relationship has impacted them. I suppose they have had a little bit of time to observe us and notice the … authenticity, perhaps? The good fit?
We celebrated our first anniversary a couple of weeks ago, in typical D&C fashion, and in the same way we celebrated our honeymoon - with a virus and soup and watching movies! We did also manage to get out of the house for a short walk, and catch the last 15 minutes of sunlight to take a photo of ourselves holding a wedding photo. We hope to do this every year and watch ourselves age and change and grow. I love being married because there's always room for a celebration - from turning in an assignment (bring out the wine and chocolate!) to starting another year together. I look forward to each celebration we are lucky enough to have together, big and small.
When we shared the photo online, people were extremely positive and commented encouragement and enjoyment - much more so than when we announced our engagement, or posted images from our wedding day. I wish we had been totally overwhelmed with {YES GO FOR IT} from May 2013 (we did have a small minority of very strong supporters and I am so grateful for those voices of confidence and truth), but it is as I predicted - people are coming around very positively with time, as they see for themselves that this idea of marriage was a good one, regardless of our youthful numbers and others' fears of time and promises. Here's to many more celebrations of years gone by together. :)
HIP HOP (and other adventures)
14. I married my hobby-buddy
Yes. Hip hop! This last weekend, we went to a beginner's street (hip hop) dance class together. Together?? As in he went too? Yes. :) I went because he'd found the class and told me about it, and I love hip hop music and I love dance, so I was excited to go, but I didn't realize he was coming with me until that morning. What an amazing husband. I had the time of my life and he found it less bad than he'd thought and much better than other types of dancing we've tried before. So back again we go this week!
We have looked up some other adventures to try out as well, for getting healthy and out there, and for taking advantage of the incredible access we have to new activities while affiliated with a University. Archery, shooting, horseback riding, sailing, basketball, volleyball, and first aid are all on the list, and we shall see what we end up doing. I like being married to David because he's a great buddy - he encourages me to get out of the house when I'm low and gets us to try new things. A hobby-buddy. That's who I married. And a great one at that!
Yes. Hip hop! This last weekend, we went to a beginner's street (hip hop) dance class together. Together?? As in he went too? Yes. :) I went because he'd found the class and told me about it, and I love hip hop music and I love dance, so I was excited to go, but I didn't realize he was coming with me until that morning. What an amazing husband. I had the time of my life and he found it less bad than he'd thought and much better than other types of dancing we've tried before. So back again we go this week!
We have looked up some other adventures to try out as well, for getting healthy and out there, and for taking advantage of the incredible access we have to new activities while affiliated with a University. Archery, shooting, horseback riding, sailing, basketball, volleyball, and first aid are all on the list, and we shall see what we end up doing. I like being married to David because he's a great buddy - he encourages me to get out of the house when I'm low and gets us to try new things. A hobby-buddy. That's who I married. And a great one at that!
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