Year One

16. Stuff I've learned

A. I am not as secure as I thought I was, but I am learning to become secure with David, and in turn this is affecting the ways I am able to relate to others in my life.

B. I don't fight fair. When I argue, I often revert to my insecure, scrappy-fighter self, where I use all my previously-necessary weapons to win the battle, while forgetting that marriage is not a war. David is my team-mate, and we are on the same side. I am still learning to drop my weapons and just say what I need to say. David is quick to forgive and quick to apologize. I am still learning to do the same, but I have an amazing example, and no matter how angry I am, it's always a huge relief to be reconciled.

C. Marriage doesn't have to become a routine. We enjoy making al-presto dates for each other by putting out a candle, writing a quick message, or making themed food; by dressing up to go for coffee at the college cafe; by asking the other one if they'd like to do a planned activity - even a walk. We welcome people into our home, and enjoy being welcomed into others' homes. We go to church together and separately. I am always welcomed home after an absence, no matter how short, and this makes me feel very loved indeed.

D. Praying together is really good. We started saying the Our Father every night before we fall asleep, and I like it. I don't know if there's a tangible difference, but I know it's something good.

E. Making time to be alone together is really important. Early on this year we were socializing or busy 5-6 nights a week, leaving very little time to talk and relax and be on own own. Then we would get stressed out and exhausted because we missed seeing each other, even though it was fun to be doing things with other people, and then we couldn't even properly enjoy the time we did have. Now we make time together a planned thing - like, don't plan anything this Saturday night, let's go to dinner or watch TV at home, or play a board game, just us. And we accept invitations for 1-3 things a week, not 6! Not because we don't like other people or are hermits, but because marriage doesn't make us superhuman and we need both time apart and time together resting to fully serve and enjoy other people.

F. Marriage is a valid reason not to work evenings and weekends. Yes, I said it. I have found that it's necessary and valuable to make time for marriage and other commitments by stopping PhD work at 5pm and taking off weekends. Not everyone will agree with me here, but this is my way of managing stress and having enough energy to address relationships in my life that matter to me more than a degree ever will.

G. This year hasn't been easy. In fact, marriage has made it harder by virtue of being a major transition. But we have made it. David has been my strong supporter - he's encouraged me to go to counseling, to the doctor, to see friends, to take breaks. He has truly been my champion, my helper, my biggest fan, my most consistent buddy. This year has been hard, but we have made it through, and hopefully, I will come out stronger and healthier and able to take my turn being the strong supporter whenever David needs it. Marriage is team work, taking on life in a world where someone having your back makes a big difference. Year 2, here we come.